A Resurfacing of Emotion
by RemusJ
Summary: Sybok's arrival at his father's home causes a resurfacing of long buried emotion for Sarek and Amanda.


The late afternoon sun shone in through the windows and glass doors of the living room, causing Amanda to shift slightly to avoid its rays. She'd have to get up in a moment to draw the shades but she was too engrossed in the film she was watching to move. It was an old Earth movie about a woman whose ghost returns to her small Spanish town to settle unfinished business. Vulcan had been her permanent home for the past twelve years and Earth films sometimes felt like her only connection to home. She read Earth novels too but seeing her home planet on a video screen was more palpable than just imagining it in her head. Strangely though, this old Spanish town in the film reminded her somewhat of Shi'Kahr with its high walls and ancient buildings.

"Amanda?" She looked up from the film as her husband, Sarek, entered the living room. It was unusual for him to be home this early. His research at the Vulcan Science Academy usually kept him until at least 1700 hours and it was only 1600 now.

"You're home early," she said snapping the video off.

"I must speak to you about a matter of importance."

"Is something wrong?"

She rose, intending to greet him with the ozh'esta, but his hand remained at his side and he did not move toward her. He had what could only be described as a far off look in his eyes. Something _was_ wrong.

"I received a call from T'Rea's mother, T'Lara, today. T'Rea has died."

"Oh?" She frowned. "What happened?"

"T'Lara did not provide me any details other than that it was after a brief illness." Amanda nodded as he continued. "She informed me that she wishes me to come to her home to retrieve Sybok." He paused and focused his gaze on Amanda. "He will soon begin a course of study in philosophy at Shi'Kahr Academy. It is therefore logical that he comes to live with us in Shi'Kahr."

"Yes, I suppose that's logical." It was all she could manage to say.

"This is...unexpected. But I wish to know my son."

"I know you do," she said, stepping towards him, taking his hand. "You should have been able to know him for the past seventeen years. All you can do now is try to make up for lost time."

He nodded slightly and then turned his eyes to the windows, though not before Amanda caught a glimpse of the emotions playing across them. He'd almost never speak to her of his emotions but she knew how to read them now; from his eyes, the slight movements of his mouth, and sometimes in slight half-smiles he reserved only for her. There was no smile now, only sadness. It was a sadness she knew he'd buried away for seventeen years. Now it was all resurfacing.

Amanda had first learned of Sybok on the day she'd later think of as _that day_. It was a Saturday that had started out like many other Saturdays that summer back on Earth. She had been working as a cultural liaison/Federation Standard language instructor for employees at the University of California at Berkeley. Because of its proximity to Federation headquarters in San Francisco, Berkeley had more alien professors, researchers, and employees than any university in the world, though the number at any given time was usually only around thirty. As many had never been to Earth before coming to Berkeley, there was a need for someone to assist them with everything from finding housing to improving their Standard. While some, like the Vulcans, arrived speaking it nearly fluently, others struggled beyond a basic conversational level.

The cultural liaison position was housed in the Department of Mathematics and Sciences since three-quarters of all aliens working on campus were on staff there. There were a few in the Department of Social Sciences (Interplanetary Relations) and a few in the Department of Humanities and Fine Arts. Amanda thought it was somewhat funny that aliens should be working in the Department of Humanities but Berkeley now offered courses in alien philosophies as well as human ones . It was in the administration building of the Department of Mathematics and Sciences, however, where both their offices were located, that Amanda had met Sarek, a Vulcan astrophysics researcher.

She had studied Interplanetary Relations in college but hadn't met any Vulcans until coming to Berkeley. The Vulcans there only infrequently availed themselves of her services as cultural liaison so she had really enjoyed getting to know Sarek, who was the most outgoing and curious among them. His inquisitiveness with her led her to suspect he was lonely and she pitied him somewhat. The other Vulcans were curious too, but something was different about Sarek. She had learned quite a bit about their cultures from the Andorians and Tellarites on staff due to their more gregarious natures, but Sarek was the first Vulcan she'd come to think of as a friend. Perhaps not a close friend, as he was still somewhat reserved with her compared to her human and other non-human friends, but a friend nonetheless.

 _That day_ , or perhaps it was really _that evening_ , had started off with dinner at Amanda's apartment. It had become somewhat of a Saturday routine for her and Sarek to have dinner and then discuss life on Earth and life on Vulcan. But that evening, everything changed. After dinner conversation had led to her teasing Sarek about his lack of emotion, which had led to him kissing her as a means of letting her see that he did have emotions, which led to them becoming intimate. It had been unexpected and yet not unexpected.

She loved him and though at times she'd felt almost certain he returned the feeling, she didn't believe he'd ever act on it. She certainly wasn't going to act on it and face rejection, embarrassment, and, as a result, the probable end of their friendship. So, she'd tell herself that she was misinterpreting his words and actions and that even if she wasn't, it was ridiculous to even think about a relationship with a Vulcan. An Andorian, perhaps. Probably not a Tellarite - she found them unattractive and argumentative - and definitely not a Vulcan. He spent time with her because he was curious about humans and it was sort of her job to help him adjust to life on Earth and even if he found her attractive, it would be completely illogical for a Vulcan to enter into any kind of relationship with a human. If Sarek had not kissed her first…

They lay in bed, not speaking, for what could have been minutes or hours. Eventually, Sarek sat up, disentangling his arms from around her.

"Amanda," he said looking down at her. "Would you consider marrying me?"

"I wouldn't consider marrying anyone else." A grin spread across her face and she held in a laugh. He looked at her in a way that she knew meant he was puzzled by her answer.

"Was that a proposal or do you mean would I hypothetically consider marrying you?" She teased. It didn't seem possible that he could actually be proposing but, then again, what had just happened between them hadn't seem possible to her just a few hours earlier.

"I would like you to be my wife." He paused. "But there are things you must know first. You would consider marrying me then?"

"Yes, I would consider marrying you, Sarek."

He looked at her tenderly but said nothing, then sighed and turned his head away from her.

"It is difficult for me to discuss this."

"You know you can tell me, whatever it is."

"It is something that we do not like to speak of on Vulcan, not among ourselves and certainly not to off-worlders." He sighed again. "But you must know...if you are to become my wife. Will you give me your word that you will repeat this to no one?"

"Of course, Sarek." Now she was the one who wore a puzzled expression.

"And should you decide not to marry me after knowing this, you will never speak of it?"

"I give you my word. I won't tell anyone." Amanda was becoming nervous now. What could he mean?

Sarek nodded slightly and continued on. "Vulcan biology...is different from human biology." She would have snickered, given what had just occurred between them, except for the fact that his manner was so very serious. "Approximately every seven of your Earth years, Vulcan males undergo a biological change. Our bodies begin to produce large amounts of adrenaline and we...we lose our ability to act in a logical manner. The biological drive becomes overwhelming and we must mate. If we do not, we may die. It is known as the pon farr. It is something we do not like to discuss even among ourselves…" he trailed.

"So every seven years you must mate?"

"Yes, but you cannot understand. It is not like this." He gestured between their bodies, both only partially covered by the sheet. "It is irrational and I will have no control over it."

"You think that would matter to me?"

"As a human, you have no concept of it. Vulcans understand but a human...I do not think you can understand until you experience it."

"And you have experienced this before?"

"Yes." She stopped him before he could continue.

"And before you actually experienced it, I imagine it you had no real concept of what it was like? That experiencing it was very different from imagining what it was like based on what you had been told?"

"Yes, that is true."

"Well, I imagine it would be the same for me."

"For a human, you can be quite logical at times, Amanda." For the first time since he'd began the conversation he looked directly at her. There was warmth in his eyes but he quickly turned them away from her again. "There is more. Because of this...aspect of our biology, tradition has it that children are bonded together at a young age so that when the time comes, they may come together to marry and to mate."

"Arranged marriages?"

"Yes, and as you can imagine, the parents cannot know...they make every effort to ensure that they have selected a mate that will be suitable but they cannot know. It can occur that when they are older, the couple finds that they are ill suited to one another. And so it was the case for me and her to whom I was bonded.

"I knew from the time we were adolescents that T'Rea did not wish to marry. She and I are, perhaps, too much alike to be compatible. She is very strong-willed and independent and did not think marriage suited her. There was nothing to be done. I could have insisted but I did not see the logic in that. A marriage that both parties do not wish to commit to would be unsatisfactory."

"So you never married?"

"No. However, that presented a...difficulty...if I did not take another mate. T'Rea understood this and assured me that, should I not find someone more suitable, I would not be left to face the pon farr alone."

"I see. And did you find someone more suitable then?"

"There has been no one whom I wished to marry. That being the case, T'Rea...I have now experienced the pon farr five times."

Amanda could sense that Sarek was getting more and more uncomfortable. "None of that matters to me, Sarek. I wouldn't have expected that you've never had relationships or been with anyone else before."

"That is not all," he continued. "Just over two of your Earth years ago, T'Rea contacted me to inform me that she had given birth to a son."

"Your son?" She wondered. He hadn't said it was his and in all the months they'd known each other, in all their conversations, he had never once mentioned having a child or said anything that would have led her to suspect it.

"Yes, though I do not know him. When the mother is unmarried, it is customary for the child to remain with her."

"You've never met him?"

"No. T'Rea requested that I leave his upbringing to her. My work keeps me off planet frequently and on Vulcan my residence is several hours from hers. She feels it will be disruptive to his upbringing for me to be involved. I suspect she would also find it disruptive to be in frequent contact with me."

"But you're his father. He has a right to know you and you have a right to know him."

"A right, perhaps, but pursuing that right would bring about unnecessary conflict. Had it not been for T'Rea's loyalty to me, I would not be alive. I must allow her this. On Vulcan, it is also customary, when there are no male heirs, for the son of a female heir to be raised by her family and to carry on that family's name and traditions. And so it will be with Sybok, as T'Rea has only sisters. As I am not T'Rea's husband, Sybok belongs to her family, not to mine."

"His name is Sybok?"

"Yes."

Amanda found herself becoming angry on Sarek's behalf at the injustice of the situation. It didn't seem logical to her at all that a parent and child should be deprived of knowing one another. She understood, however, that Vulcan society was not like Earth society and there was nothing she could do for Sarek besides offering her understanding.

"That seems terribly unfair, Sarek. I'm sorry you won't have the chance to know your son."

"What is logical is not always fair. When Sybok is older, if he chooses to know me, he will be free to do so. T'Rea has given me her word."

That was the first and last mention Sarek made of Sybok until that afternoon in their living room on Vulcan, fifteen years later, when he informed Amanda of T'Rea's death and of T'Lara's wish that Sybok come to live with them.

"When will you go to get him?"

"I will contact T'Lara and discuss it with her."

"We must tell Spock."

"I will speak to him when he arrives home."

When Amanda later asked Sarek what he had told Spock, he said only "the truth." Vulcan meals were typically silent but that evening at dinner Amanda could feel a very palpable tension. She was concerned for her husband but even more concerned for her son. She could only imagine how it was affecting him to learn that Sarek had another son, one who was completely Vulcan. Amanda knew Spock was convinced that Sarek wished his son weren't half-human. He could not yet understand that Sarek only wanted his son to succeed, and knew he was capable of succeeding, but that Vulcan society's expectations of him would be greater because he wasn't completely Vulcan. Because he was half human, he would be judged in a manner that a Vulcan would not. Sarek could not indulge Spock's emotions - to do so would be to condemn him to be an outcast.

When Sarek retired to the bedroom that night, Amanda knew that his evening meditations had not resolved the emotional upheaval he must be experiencing. He appeared outwardly calm, as always, but was unusually silent. He did not meet her eyes when he slid under the covers and reached for her.

He left the house shortly after Spock the next morning, leaving Amanda alone and unable to stop the many thoughts racing through her mind. What would Sybok be like? Would he resent coming to live with a father he'd never met and his human wife? Would he find her emotions repugnant? Sarek often told her her emotions were illogical but he accepted them as a part of who she was. He'd never expected her to be Vulcan. Spock, on the other hand, was often embarrassed by her emotions. She knew, however, that despite his embarrassment, when other children taunted him about his human mother, he jumped to her defense. Human as she was, she was still his mother. But she was not Sybok's mother.

When Sarek returned later that afternoon with Sybok, it was with some difficulty that Amanda was able to maintain a calm outward appearance. She was in the walled garden off of the living room when she heard their steps approaching the house. She hurried to the entryway to meet them as they came in the front door.

Sarek came through the door first, followed by Sybok, who was nearly as tall as his father. Amanda studied his features to see if she could recognize any resemblance to Sarek. At first glance, it appeared that he must take after his mother but Amanda noticed that although his hair was cut in the typical short, blunt, Vulcan style, it was thick and wavy, just as Sarek's.

"Sybok, this is she who is my wife, the Lady Amanda."

The teenager held up his hand and greeted her with the ta'al, which she returned.

"Lady Amanda," he said, acknowledging her.

"Welcome, Sybok." She returned the ta'al and a slight smile crept across her face. To her surprise, a genuine warmth lit Sybok's eyes. It was then that she realized that although they were a shade darker than Sarek's, Sybok had his father's eyes as well as his hair.

Sybok greeted Spock with the same warmth when he arrived home from school later that afternoon, giving Amanda hope that things would go smoothly between the two of them. Perhaps they would even grow close. Spock could benefit from the guidance of an older brother.

It was certainly different to have dinner among the four of them, rather than the three of them, but Amanda felt that things were less tense than they had been at dinner the evening before. When they finished eating, Sybok asked Spock to show him around the house and neighborhood. Amanda had already shown Sybok his room and the rest of the house before Spock arrived home from school so she was glad that Sybok seemed to be making an effort to get to know his younger, half-human brother. When they returned, Spock went to his room to complete his schoolwork and Sybok to his for his evening meditation. Sarek retired to meditate as well, leaving Amanda once again alone with her thoughts.

When Sarek came to bed, he appeared to be more at peace than he had been the night before.

"He has your hair. And your eyes."

"His eyes are brown."

"Nevertheless, he has your eyes. They are the same shape. Yours may be hazel and his brown, but they have the same expression to them."

"I hadn't noticed," he said in the tone he took when he was humoring her human illogic.

"Well, you're not one to spend a great deal of time looking in the mirror."

"No. He is highly intelligent."

"He seems to be kind young man."

"It is late and it has been a long day. We should rest," he said holding his fingers out to her in the ozh'esta. When he quickly fell asleep as few minutes later, Amanda knew he was more at peace than he had been since the news of T'Rea's death. She, however, found herself unable to sleep. Things appeared to be going well but she was still concerned for Spock, for Sarek, and now for Sybok. Yesterday she had been worried that he may resent Sarek and she didn't want to see Sarek hurt again after this old wound had been reopened. She had also worried that he would not accept Spock. It wouldn't be easy or pleasant if he rejected her but she would manage. It would be a terrible blow to Spock, though, to be rejected by his brother. He was only a child and already he had experienced a great deal of rejection from his peers.

Tonight, though, she also thought of Sybok. Outwardly he seemed calm, a result of his Vulcan discipline, but she could hardly imagine that he wasn't affected by the sad and unexpected turn of events his life had just taken. His mother had just died and he had been sent from the only home he'd ever known to live with a father he'd never met along with his alien wife and half-alien son. She was probably the first human he'd ever met. Amanda wondered what T'Rea had told Sybok of Sarek. These thoughts spun around in her mind over and over until she eventually realized there was no point in remaining in bed. She'd needed something to take her mind off things.

In the living room, she restarted the old Spanish movie from the beginning. She'd been about halfway through it when Sarek had arrived home and interrupted her yesterday but that seemed so long ago now. It was best to start over from the beginning. Just as the opening credits were ending, she heard the living room door open and she looked up to see Sybok. He seemed just as surprised to see her as she him.

"Excuse me, Lady Amanda. I only wanted to sit in the garden. I did not mean to disturb you."

"You're not disturbing me. I guess you're having as much trouble sleeping as I am. You may come in."

Sybok entered the room but did not continue past Amanda to the doors of the garden. Instead, he seemed transfixed by the film that was now frozen on the screen.

"May I ask what you are watching?"

"It's an old Earth movie. It's about a woman whose ghost returns to take care of some unfinished business. The director is one of my favorites though I haven't seen this one before. Have you ever seen any films from Earth?"

"I have seen films about Earth but nothing made by Earth people."

"Oh, so you mean you've seen documentaries about Earth?"

"Yes. Perhaps one day I will go there." For a moment Amanda was convinced she saw a slight smile on his face but the room was dark and she told herself the lighting from the screen was playing tricks on her eyes.

"Sarek's...your father's business takes him to Earth every year or so so I'm sure you'll have the chance."

"I look forward to it. I have never been off Vulcan. There are so many other worlds out there I would like to see; places so different from Vulcan."

"I'm glad you'll have the chance now." Amanda smiled. It was rare that she smiled in front of anyone besides Sarek or Spock these days. In public she'd adopted a Vulcan demeanor, or at least as close to a Vulcan demeanor as a human could get.

"I will let you return to your film," Sybok said but still made no motion towards the garden doors.

"Sybok, would you like to watch the film with me?"

"I do not wish to disturb you, Lady Amanda," he said, finally moving towards the doors.

"Please call me Amanda. And, Sybok, you won't be disturbing me. This is your home too now. I want you to feel welcome."

"You are certain I would not be disturbing you?"

"Absolutely certain. Now please, come sit down." She patted a spot on the couch next to her.

Amanda wanted to tell Sybok that not only was he welcome here but that he was wanted here, that whatever his mother had told him, that his father had wanted to know him and be a father to him since the time he was born. But it was not her place to discuss something so personal to Sarek. She let the film play again.

Sybok seemed fascinated with the film and over the next year, he and Amanda would watch several others together. Some were Amanda's favorites and others were ones Sybok suggested after reading descriptions of them. A film by the same Spanish director, this time about a woman who regains hope after the death of her teenage son, was the last one they would watch together. Only weeks after that, Sybok would be exiled from Vulcan and Amanda would never see him again.

It was several years after Sybok left before Amanda was able to bring herself to watch those films again. She thought she wouldn't be able to watch them without crying but then she came to the realization that she didn't need to cry for Sybok because he was free now in a way that Spock never could be. It was comforting to her and she wished it were a comfort she could share with Sarek. If she had thought Sarek guarded in his feelings concerning Sybok when she first learned of the existence of his son, he was even more so now. He would not talk about Sybok at all and acted as if he had never existed. It was the Vulcan way, she knew, and though she knew it was a good way, she also knew it wasn't a perfect way and that some things could stand to be changed. One woman wasn't capable of changing thousands of years of tradition though, so there was nothing she could do but accept it as she always had.

Though there was no one with whom she could speak of him, Sybok was never gone from Amanda's thoughts altogether. When Spock informed her and Sarek that Sybok had died, it came as a terrible shock. She was unable to contain all the grief she had buried for so long and broke down crying in front of her husband. On the rare occasions she had wept in Sarek's presence, he had held her despite what she knew was as ingrained feeling of discomfort for him in the presence of such raw emotion. This time, however, he turned his head away. It wasn't until later she realized that it wasn't because he was repulsed by her emotions but because he didn't want her to see his.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************** _Author's Note:_ Spock gives us the only canon mention of Sybok's mother, telling Kirk she was "a Vulcan princess." J.M. Dillard's _Star Trek V_ novelization names her as T'Rea, a Vulcan priestess, who hid Sybok's birth from his father, Sarek. Dillard's novel does not make mention of Sarek and T'Rea being married - that comes from A.C. Crispen's novel, _Sarek_ , in which Sarek tells Spock that T'Rea divorced him. This contradicts the TNG episode "Sarek," in which Picard states that Sarek's first wife, like his second, was from Earth. It's clear that the first wife he's referring to is Amanda, not a Vulcan priestess/princess. Since the novelizations aren't canon, I've decided to put forth my own idea about who Sybok's mother was.

The only canon mention of Sarek having been ambassador to Earth was in the the 2009 movie. Prior canon is only that Sarek was an ambassador to the Federation at least by the time we see him in _Journey to Babel_. D.C. Fontana, its author, says in _Notes_ _on Yesteryear,_ that "Sarek's career encompassed those of a scientist and an ambassador, and he served in either capacity as his government felt he would be of the most value to his people." An original draft of _Journey to Babel_ mentions that he is an astrophysicist. In my universe, Sarek and Amanda meet while he is working as an astrophysicist, prior to his time as an ambassador.

Thanks go to TomFoolery for their encouragement and for beta reading this.


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